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I figured I'd mangle my weekly prompt fic for your reading pain: Joe revved his engine. It purred, power surging beneath him like a cougar ready for action, but not that kind of cougar, though he wouldn't mind meeting one later if she was hot enough and really stacked. If life would cooperate for once, this qualifying round would get him a good position for the race, rather than getting him stuck yet again behind Yamamoto, who drove like a constipated, blind old lady fuelled entirely by farts. Whatever the hell additive he put in his engine, the exhaust was enough to make anyone following him pass out from the fumes. Praying that Berg Katse wouldn't start raining hell on some poor city with a pink octopus that shot green darts from its tentacles (was the madman colorblind?), Joe watched the light change from red to yellow, yellow to puce, then puce to green. He and his baby tore forward together as one being, rocketing around the track like some kind of cougar centaur, though he wouldn't have tits like that cougar flashing them from the stands, instead he'd have big furry balls and claws that could slash steel like butter, when they weren't digging into the track and tearing it up so no one could match his speed. His world narrowed to blurs, roars, a burp that tasted like the penne he had for lunch, and the grip of tires on asphalt. Then, all too soon, a topless chick waved the checkered flag. He sped past, grabbing her along the way, and shooting the track official who protested. By the time he slowed, pulled off of the track, and parked, he was done with her. Now that was speed dating.

Chris, that was hilarious!! Ame, yours makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, which I guess is the whole point of the excercise!!! Love them both, and will have to see if I can come up with anything! Not making any promises though

Amethyst: You certainly managed to sum up about every BOTP episode there was. And yes, most importantly, the Malfoys are British!

Originally posted by KT1972 Chris, that was hilarious!!

I wrote it, looked at it, and went, "Something is seriously wrong with me."

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Chris, that was fantastic! Amethyst, your last bit make me laugh! KT1972, not so much bad as boring, yet this is probably what most of Jinpei's free time actually looks like. Or, more accurately, your bad isn't bad!

KT, I'm really tired this morning, but I'm not seeing the difference? It looks like the fun post you made in the Bradbury's Jar thread... ? Please point out the difference to my poor, befuddled mind... Chris, I loved it! Tell Joe there's a cougar here who wants him! Amethyst, you certainly summed up why Jason gets so frustrated on missions!

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Tj, Jublke, it's meant to be boring, because who wants to read boring, ergo Boring = Bad Everyone elses pieces have been bad, but funny, people tend to like funny, so Funny =Good this is just my way of differentiating between good and bad writing, that's all. If someone enjoys reading it, it can't be all bad now can it?

LOL, KT, I hadn't thought of it that way! Good point.

Well, KT, I'm actually glad mine was funny, because I'm not good at spoofing my own stuff, I spoofed on HP fanfic submissions that I've read over the years as an admin, and was really just trying to spoof bad fanfic. My choice was to take as much narrative out as possible and only introduce characters and dialogue. It is a technique that can work for really short fics, but trying reading 3000 words of dialogue with no narrative and something done as a serious piece of fanfic, not something done just for fun; heck I couldn't even write that much in my spoof. Maybe if I'd tried, it wouldn't be so funny. Jublke, love the authorial insertion, even though we all know that isn't really you. But I gotta tell you, don't submit it anywhere else. You're a great Beta, but I'd have rejected it in a minute.

Amethyst: Yay! I was bad!

What I think is so interesting about this thread is that there are so many ways that an otherwise good story can go bad: -- Poor grammar -- Overuse of adjectives, cliches, redundant wording -- Boring pacing or phrasing -- Author insertion, Mary Sues/Gary Stus What others can you think of?

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Very Funny, EW! Mary Sues save the day! Other ways to write bad ... How about flat, generic characters. Characters that you can take from one fandom to another without changing a thing. Characters that are not recognizable as to whom they are supposed to be. Characters without character.

Smitten kitten? Awesome!!!!!! I don't think i need to say anything else about that, EW. Mary Sues at their worst! Uh... finest... uh... well, you know what I mean... Jul, I loved yours as well! The entire paragraph about Jason had me rolling! But don't they know, if they want to stop the horror, they can't just shoot the writers, they have to shoot the artists too? After all, just look at the Ready Room footage...

KT: I saw the difference in the Ken one, you took the nice, specific detail about the Pythagorean theorem and dulled it down to "maths homework." For the others I'd probably need to go back and read the original. It's always interesting how much the right details totally bring a story to life! TJ: I think Joe has no shortage of interested cougars. *grin* jublke: I truly laughed out loud. Poor Jason, guy gets no respect. Maybe if he was a little more heroic ... (tongue firmly in cheek, don't shoot me!) As far as what makes a good story go bad, I point in part to my response to KT. Generic descriptions and word choice can really dull down a story. Rambling/lack of focus can also make it bad. In mine I tried to keep a sense of Joe in everything I put there, even if it was over the top silly, but if I hadn't it would have been bad IMO because it wouldn't have been as faux true/funny. EW: Poor Tiny and Keyop, they are indeed the most likely to be ignored. TJ: When I was rewatching BOTP recently for the first time in over a decade, the ready room footage made me want to hurl. Man that's awful!

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Becky: That's not awful! It's evil genius! Bwah ha ha ha! (I think Jason should harrumph instead of hump, though). Did President Kane get out in time or did he get blown up too?

Perfect, Becky!!!!!!

Mark smiled as he looked out the window. It was going to be a nice day. His communicator beeped. "Good morning, Mark." Chief Anderson said. "I like you. You are my friend. You are nice." "Thanks, Chief. You are nice too. You are also my friend." Mark said. "I have a job for you." the Chief said. "A nice one." "I like the nice ones." Mark said. "They are so nice." "Come to my nice office and we can have a nice talk." the Chief said. "Okay. Goodybye, friend." Mark said. 88888 When Mark got to Chief Anderson's nice office, he found his four nice teammates sitting around on the nice furniture. All except Jason. Jason was not-so-nice, and so he was leaning on the nice wall, likte a naughty boy. "Sit down, Jason." Mark said. "Bite me." Jason said. "You are not nice, Jason." Mark said. "Ever feel like you're not in the right universe?" Jason said as he rolled his eyes. "Be nice, Jason." Mark said. Chief Anderson entered and gave the Team the details about their nice mission. G-Force had to visit a nice school and give a nice lecture about public safety. "How nice!" Princess said. "Nice!" Tiny said. "Burble..." Keyop said. "Very nice." Mark said. "Screw this!" Jason said. He stormed out of the room. "What's wrong with him?" Tiny said. "He's not feeling nice today." Chief Anderson said. "7-Zark-7 forgot to give him his nice pills." "Oh." everyone said. "I hope he has a nice day." Mark said. "With your help, I'm sure he will." the Chief said.

TJ: LOL, poor Jason is in hell, but it's a nice hell

LOL, I just recall that in high school (the last time I actually took an English/writing class) the teacher HATED the use of the word 'nice'. She would freak out if it was in anyone's paper/story. She also disliked it when we used 'said' over and over and over and over... so I went with that.

I guess if Kane had still been in there, they wouldn't have blown it up. But then again... What a nice story. And Zark is so nice to give nice pills to everyone and so bad not to give one to Jason.

Oh yes TJ, it certainly is a nice little story, it's always so nice when everyone can be nice to each other. What a nice world it would be if everybody really was this nice to everybody else!

Well this is such a nice site that I figured that all the nice people here would like this nice story. Wasn't that nice of me?

Maybe a little too nice. Sort of like G-Force visits Pleasantville.

yup, very nice TJ!

And now, nice people, imagine a nice little picture of the nice Gatchamaniac with the nice name of ElectricWhite nicely pulling out a nice syringe full of a nice amount of really nice insulin and giving herself an nice injection before she falls into a nice little sugar coma... Becky, verily, I say unto thee, thou art delightfully evil!

I don't read what's on Gatchamania for one day - one day! and I come back today and find this treasure trove of stories! Congratulations, guys! And I'm not just being nice! And Jason's smitten! And, this is really weird, but I did try to learn some - modern - Swahili last year! EW has sussed me out! And now for my bad... Here in Centre Neptune, deep beneath the sea, I keep a constant watch on the security of the universe. Oh! My name is 7-Zark-7, and I am proud to work with G-Force, a team of young people with incredible powers. I need to clean my monitors -- Zark grows a few inches and wipes his monitors - there! Now I can see what the evil planet Spectra is planning! Oh! Look! Spectra has attacked one of our cities! Thankfully I raised the alarm on time and got everyone evacuated Susan helped me too. She's on planet Pluto. I've never met her, but I hope to. For now I am happy to work with - Zark salutes - G-Force! Wait a minute...that's not me wirting! This IS Zark talking! Where's EW when you need het?

Zark - gag! He haunts our days and nights!

You won, Daniella! Zark's writers take the cake for the worst writing of all!!!!!

cannot be beaten!

LOL DT, so very true!

Originally posted by Daniella T And, this is really weird, but I did try to learn some - modern - Swahili last year! EW has sussed me out!

I swear, DT, that was just a lucky guess! I did not hire any of those private investigators -- not one! I have to admit, though, you've shown that Zark's my proverbial monkey on my back -- I just can't get away from him! Even the people I've collaborated with have started channeling him! AAAARRRRGH!

Originally posted by Transmute Jun the teacher HATED the use of the word 'nice'. She would freak out if it was in anybody's paper/story.

I live a short distance away from a place I'm sure you would've LOVED to have taken her for lunch -- A Nice Restaurant!

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Soon you will have Zark signing TJ's praises like this And TJ chasing him like this And EW going like this in order to keep away from more Zark fics: And we all going More! More! MOOOORE!

Oh, my, EW! Down robot! Bad Zark! .

Uh.... I think it's time I leave this thread...

Originally posted by Transmute Jun Uh.... I think it's time I leave this thread...

But think of all you could still contribute! Does this mean you've *gasp!* turned ?!?

Run TJ, run!

Where's the shotgun? Where's Princess' little bombs? Where's Jason when you need him? Wouldn't Susan be jealous? She'll start sending EW and TJ harrassing e-mails: "That useless bucket of bolts is MINE!"

Originally posted by Becky Rock Where's the shotgun? Where's Princess' little bombs? Where's Jason when you need him? Wouldn't Susan be jealous? She'll start sending EW and TJ harrassing e-mails: "That useless bucket of bolts is MINE!"

Ohhh, dear! Then TJ had really better run, she does not need her email full of spam from Susan and her phone line constantly called by telemarketers calling from Pluto.

I want to hear her voice. It's all I can think about, her telling me all that is, everything about the universe. I'm pacing in circles; I want her that bad. Finally, she comes, and her voice sends crackling thrill throughout me. I've waited so long, her breath is my reward. "Hiiii, Zark....this is Susan, out on Planet Pluto..." ---- I'm sorry. The devil made me do it.

MK: *shudder*

Oh no no no no, one thing we don't want is any Zark/Susan smut thanks!!!!

Originally posted by KT1972 Oh no no no no, one thing we don't want is any Zark/Susan smut thanks!!!!

Yes, but this way maybe Zark will finally leave EW's wheelchair in peace! Have a heart, KT!

well, ok, but perhaps it could be posted somewhere else, where we won't have to read it?

Well this is the "bad" writing thread .... so I suspect here it the BEST place.

awwww shucks!!!!

That's perfect! Now you just need Zark's antennae erection when he hears her voice!!!!!

Gah! My eyes! "Zark's antennae erection"

Originally posted by jublke Gah! My eyes! "Zark's antennae erection"

Would you rather she'd simply said, "Boiiiiiing!"?

MK, look what you started! And TJ, shame! You've scarred me. I'll never be able to look at Zark again when his antenna jumps up without knowing where his dirty robotic mind is.

Originally posted by Transmute Jun That's perfect! Now you just need Zark's antennae erection when he hears her voice!!!!!

:boiiiiing: There ought to be a simile for boinging antennas.

But then it wouldn't have been rated for kids anymore.

Originally posted by Becky Rock And TJ, shame! You've scarred me. I'll never be able to look at Zark again when his antenna jumps up without knowing where his dirty robotic mind is.

Oh come on! You can't tell me that you've never noticed the similarity when Zark hears Susan's voice and his antennae immediately bounce up!!!!!! And if you say no, I won't believe you...

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by Becky Rock And TJ, shame! You've scarred me. I'll never be able to look at Zark again when his antenna jumps up without knowing where his dirty robotic mind is.

Oh come on! You can't tell me that you've never noticed the similarity when Zark hears Susan's voice and his antennae immediately bounce up!!!!!! And if you say no, I won't believe you...

I think some folks are trying to say they've equated Zark's action to a cartoon wolf when his eyes pop out and comes with an "ooooga" sound... Now, if they're being truthful about that...well, that's another matter...

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by Becky Rock And TJ, shame! You've scarred me. I'll never be able to look at Zark again when his antenna jumps up without knowing where his dirty robotic mind is.

Oh come on! You can't tell me that you've never noticed the similarity when Zark hears Susan's voice and his antennae immediately bounce up!!!!!! And if you say no, I won't believe you...

I noticed it, but I was only a kid. I didn't understand the significance. Now that I do, I'm glad I didn't then.

What Becky said. If I'd understood the sexual innuendo as a kid, I'd have been scarred for life!

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Glad to see you back in the game, LW!

Ta EW but only half in the game till the end of the month (fingers crossed), hopefully we will have some concrete answers by then and be able to develop a plan of action. For now it's still a waiting game - happy news is we have been down graded from life threatening to life altering and we can live with that (ha ha) were tough buggers and great survivers, least it's brought us closer together Thanks for the thought -LW

Glad to see you here, LW! And yes, that's definitely worthy of Vogon poetry!

LW: Hehe, as far as Vogon poetry goes, it's terrible, which means it's good!

That's better news, LW. What is Vogon?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vogon From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams they have the 3rd worst poety in the universe example of Vogon poetry "Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"

Hmmm, that also sounds like Lewis Carol's Jabberwocky poem ---Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/ Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:/ All mimsy were the borogoves,/ And the mome raths outgrabe

Now you've got CD doing it too!!!!!

Originally posted by littlewolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vogon From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams they have the 3rd worst poety in the universe example of Vogon poetry "Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"

Used to torture Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect when they were found aboard the Vogon ship. The television series is (or was) on Hulu. The books are available, even now.

Originally posted by Transmute Jun Now you've got CD doing it too!!!!!

Nah. She was quoting Lewis Carroll.

Originally posted by littlewolf http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vogon From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams they have the 3rd worst poety in the universe example of Vogon poetry "Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"

Say what? Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Good to see you back LW, I hope things turn out ok!