Two of my best friends are going through divorces. My oldest bff, we've been best friends off and on since middle middle, has been painful to watch as her ex works with my hubby and her daughter is a year younger than mine. It's worse as the day after the courts finalized the divorce the a$$ married his pregnant girl friend (though he still claims that he wasn't seeing her while they were married; despite that being his MO). Well, bff is learning to be truly ebil (I think she learned it from me. In school she envied my confidence, which is mostly bravado; and I envied her social skills, which I've learned as an adult are mostly submission). Her darling ex asked if he could have the kids Saturday, as Sunday's Father's Day. His custody days are Monday and Tuesday and he works on Sunday. Bff said no problem with Saturday night, but they need to come home Sunday morning. When her daughter asked how come, she wants to fix breakfast for daddy, she answered, "You can still fix breakfast for daddy. But it's father's day not step-mother's day; you can't spend father's day with daddy if he's working." Knowing the evil ex, he's probably been complaining to anyone who will listen that my friend won't let him have the kids for father's day.

Oh, that sounds familiar. Not so much now, but at one time that would have been the way things were between my ex and me. I can't stand his new wife, but I couldn't stand her before they even got together. I met her in fall of 1997 and it was loathing at first sight. It didn't help that my bff thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. As for the ex, he was always claiming that I never let him have her--when I actually usually bent over backwards to accommodate him--and he was always telling everyone what a terrible parent I was. Not to mention calling me names in front of the our daughter, and half the neighborhood. The thing that brought the horror of what my little girl was going through home to me was, at Christmas the year she was in pre-school she found out her dad was going to come to her Christmas program. She asked me not to come because she didn't want a scene. She finally told me that she was afraid he'd say something crude and hurtful to me. Fortunately, it didn't happen and we all had a decent evening. She now only goes to visit him rarely. She can't stand her stepmother and her dad doesn't really pay attention to her when she's there. He also does everything his wife tells him to. She runs the house and leads him around by the balls. I think some thing are universal. Men behaving baddly is one of them. Not all men, but there are always several everywhere.

I'm afraid that's where my friend's kids are heading once the step-baby is born. They'll think it's all great until the baby gets older and they notice that the full time kid gets daddy's attention and the step-mother blames them for every thing. Of course, this baby is the miracle baby (she couldn't have kids supposedly, after all she only has one ovary). Bff and I laughed over that. I learned that I was pregnant with my youngest as she miscarried twins after invitro (she doesn't ovulate). Her kids are miracle babies; she had to go through so much to have them and could have lost them at any time.

Remember: this is the sex whose dimmest, lowliest member is still superior to the most intelligent, educated, and richest woman. When we're all just stumbling and bumbling and trying to get through life without hurting ourselves too badly. And if we have an ounce of maturity, trying not to hurt others.

It's a pity these things happen, and even more when the kids are the most prone to be hurt and involved! And, I cannot but be stricken at how much it's easy to fall in this trap, nowadays ... since I left my full-time work, around six and a half years ago, I've learnt that five couples, among my friends, whom I've always seen as going steady, have separated during this time, all of them having kids of various ages! The cause ... it's always the same ... one of the partners, or the other, was too weak to fight temptation! Amethyst, no wonder your best friend is learning to be ebil! She must have gone through a lot, and she also must be prepared to be more courageous because there still seems a lot to struggle ahead for her, from what I'm reading! She's fortunate to have a friend like you, though! Your support is precious! Garnet ... I'm sorry to hear your story! But, you transpire strength and knowledge of dealing with life! Keep in mind that a good person is always rewarded! And, your ex seems to be having what he deserves! I'm sure you weren't that bossy as his present wife! Let them know what they've lost! ... the same happened to my ex-boyfriend, who showed me hell! Today, I chuckle when I think with whom he has ended up, and I cannot but think that he was not the one worthy for me! At least, I was fortunate enough to become aware of his true nature before I could have made the mistake of getting married with him (we already had some plans in mind!)!

You are so right, Marie. I have to admit that I was one who left my husband--he wasn't about to leave someone who was paying his bills--but it was after I'd been pushed to the breaking point. Now, 13 years later, I just have to smile. I hope he got a good look last week when he dropped Amaya off. I weigh less than I did when we were together, I look my age or younger and I'm happy. By contrast, last year at Amaya's eighth-grade graduation, someone asked me if that woman sitting with him was his mother. I smiled and said, "Nope, that's his wife." It really was his wife. She's 14 months older than me but at least 10 years older. Wish I had pictures I could show to show the difference. In all honesty, I hope he really is happy. I did love him at one time and wish him the best. I'm just sorry both my daughter and her kids had to get caught up in it. I can't stand her kids--well now they're young adults but you never would know it--but that's another story.

It's sad to watch what happens to children in these situations. My cousin has three children under six, the first from a previous relationship. If you went to his house you would see a list of rules and consequences on the refrigerator for the kids. Funny thing is that they are all about what the oldest boy isn't allowed to do. Apparently his half sister isn't capable of being a total brat to her older brother.... I dread to see what it's going to be like for the oldest boy when the youngest starts to talk... Needless to say, I don't see my cousin very often.

Yes, that's one of the problems with "blended" families. Often, I'd say most, times there is no real blending. There are different rules for each set of kids. Maybe Amaya was right in insisting, very strongly, that I never marry again. Heck, she won't even hardly let me look at a guy without getting defensive. Not that I'm in the market to remarry. I think I make a better single person than a wife.

If I ever split from my hubby (which if it hasn't happened in the last few years, it's not likely to happen), I probably won't ever marry again. I might live with someone, but not even in common law. I'll keep my car, my own finances, etc. And it definitely will not be with anyone who has kids younger than twenty. I've raised mine (will still raising two and one will be perpetual -- semi-independent at best), won't do someone elses. I love kids, but would love them even better when they leave at night to go home.

Some of us just do make better singles, Garnet. I made that choice when I looked at my boyfriend at the time and realised that yet again I had chosen someone with all the horrible traits of my father and none of his good ones... Typical middle child syndrome, I know! Since I can't choose a decent partner, I choose to be single and save myself from myself... It helps that I have never desired to have children though. I've got furkids and they're enough for me. Doesn't prevent me from judging my cousin for singling out his oldest though... It's a sad situation and the child is already showing horrible behavioural issues because of it. *sigh* Some people should need a licence to reproduce.

Originally posted by greenSome people should need a licence to reproduce.

To bad it would be considered a violation of human rights to require genetic testing and parenting classes for any couple desiring to reproduce. Not that it would solve all issues, but it would definitely help. And if done on an international scale would cut down on poverty and over population. Ironically, the US government is doing all it can to even prevent this from happening naturally. Really by requiring airbags, seatbelts, and motorcycle helmets they are contributing to over population and the degradation of the gene pool and don't even realize it.

The only species on Earth that is slowly weeding out its' natural selection laws while causing others to become extinct... Got to love humanity.

The only problem with the genetic testing thing is, I'd never have had my wonderful daughter. I have an inherited condetion that has a fifty/fifty chance of being passed on. My ex had the same situation just a different condetion. We would never have been allowed to reproduce. Interestingly, she has neither condetion as far as we can tell. She may have some characteristics of his, but it's not the full-blown thing. Thank goodness. I understand mine and can deal with it, but his is much more pervasive and harder to handle.

I think you would have been allowed to reproduce, not naturally but by invitro after the embryos had been tested. I'm in two minds about genetic testing. On one hand I can see why it would be desirable by parents seeking to avoid passing on inherited conditions, on the other, I know so many wonderful people that would never have been born...

Yep, having grown up in the "disabled" community, I've seen so many people that have made, are making, and will make great contributions to their family, friend and others that it is hard to think about a world where they might not have been born because of something they would have had no control over. My bff is a perfect example. She can't see for squat but she graduated from high school at the top of her class, 3.91 GPA, went to Ball State then transferred to Michigan State where she graduated with a 3.75 GPA. She now homeschools and teaches English in a home-school co-op. True, her problems were from a birth defect and not genetic, but it was something that nowdays would have been seen early and a pregnancy derminated. But the emplications are similar. Okay, I'm going to go write some more on my sidebar story. This puts me in the perfect frame of mind to work on it.

Or be required to sign a waiver that you understand that you carry that condition and that it could be passed on and that you understand the necessities in raising a child with that condition. It really would not be much more than what many medical providers do know, but just before conception takes place rather than after. Anti-abortion people would jump on this as a higher percentage of abortions among married couples in the first trimester are do to the medical concerns that come up the the early tests. Having raised a child with a disability, one that was not known in its full extent until he was in the eighth grade, I can tell that the biggest burden in raising a child with a disability is not the disability but the ignorance in how to properly deal with the disabilty. However, it has to be up to the couple and they have to have full knowledge of what could happen and learn how to deal with it. We are still learning the repercussion from stepping away from institutionalizing those that are not a "perfect fit" for society. While the integration is a good thing, at least in California is was done with little to no resources for parents and schools on how to support children and adults that less than fifty years ago would have been locked away in asylum. Funny that in those fifty years, we've not come very far. When I had my tests with my first, I knew that at that time was not prepared financially or mentally to care for a child with severe mental or physical disabilities. Testing came back clear, but fate caught up with me. He was born with a severe emotional disability that the jury is still out whether it is genetic or not (my belief is that it is, but that there is still currently no testing for it). If we had known then, what we know now, I don't know what we would have done, particularly since his diagnosis was practically unheard of then and is still largely unknown and misunderstood.

I feel for you both - I have seen first hand how difficult it is to raise a child that is different in a society that can be so unforgiving... I have also seen the two types of extreme parenting that goes with it. Two young autistic boys left in childcare for 11 hours a day, six days a week, because their parents didn't want to deal with the fact that they had two children with issues... Please bear in mind they refused to get their first born son diagnosed until after they had gone and had another (austism is far more common in males and if you have one son with it, chances are high that you would have another). A Down's Syndrome boy who was completely loved and accepted by his parents. Who had refused to allow the authorities to lock him up in an institution. Who's mother had quit her high paying designer job to be able to spend as much time as possible raising him. Who only sent him to childcare for 6 hours, five days a week, so she could concentrate on doing the commission jobs from home which kept food on the table. Want to guess which family was happier?

I don't have to guess. I remember growing up and hearing people talk. More than once I overheard people say things like, "Why did those two ever have a child," and "People like that shouldn't be allowed to have children". In my opinion, my parents did a damn good job of raising me. Yes, I went to school at a state-run institution, but I eventually spent most of my evenings and weekends at home; till I was in highschool and had so many extra-carricular(sp) activities that I was in that I couldn't bother going home except on holidays. Living in a house where my limited vision was the best of the bunch taught me things I never would have learned any other way. Instead of the usual chores kids have, I was the family reader. God, I read things that bored me to tears so that my parents could be informed. Of course, I got to know a lot about how to ballance a checkbook and run a household too. I became very good at matching colors, giving clear directions, how to be a good sighted guide and how to travel on public transportation independantly. So, I agree that if a person who knows they could pass on something to their kids is willing to take the responsibility and raise that child to achieve his/her full potential, then they should be encouraged to do so. The world needs all the loving, stable parents it can get. Hey, and then there are those I know, both disabled and not, who have chosen to adopt kids with special needs. I truly commend them.

The second. And the Down's child will flurish to the best of his ability while the autistic boys unfortunately will not. I swear up and down that if we had the knowledge of Billy's disability early on, about preschool age, we could have handled him much better. At first we thought he was simply gifted, walking and speaking were on target, speach flowed into short sentences shortly after first words (which were a three word phrase); learned alphabet and numbers early. A very visual learner well ahead of his early preschool classmates. He did not show any behavioral issues until about four when he stopped napping and the school insisted on forcing it. Issues with peers started around Kindergarten/first grade. At that time, from the behaviors we witnessed and known familiy history, we and the doctors looked at ADD/ADHD the behaviors fit and there was a document family history of it. Between fifth and seventh grade is where the real concerns started. Where his peers were developing emotionally, he was not. Someone pointed us toward Asperger's Syndrome and the school fought us in supporting a diagnosis -- no sense adding more labels to a troubled child, but we went ahead anyway, and it took several visits to his psychiatrist and one trip to the behavioral peditrician to have it confirmed. Since his diagnosis, we've learned that there is also a famility history of Asperger's/High Functioning Autism. AS/HFA are virtually identical in the DSM. While HFA usually requires some speech delay, AS does not. Both affect Non-verbal, social/emotional communication. As a seventeen year old, Billy does not realize that he is not normal because he would rather watch TV all day and has no friends his age. To him, his classmates are all freaks and geeks that bear no resembalance to him. All of his social understanding comes mostly from TV, despite our best efforts to limit access -- we don't even have cable. AS/HFA are harder to diagnose early than lower functioning autism as the lack of speech and repetitive behaviors may not be as predominant. Not to mention that anything that effects social/emotional development is truly is not diagnosable until the development stalls as early on the signs can mimick so many others (particularly true with ADD/ADHD and early bi-polar or early BPD). My SiL (the Keyop fan) is a pychologist with alcoholism, drug addiction, ADD/ADHD, AS/HFA, Bi-Polar, OCD, and other anxiety disorders so rampant in the family can you imagine the conversations around our dinner table?

I bet they're fascinating. I bff has a son that they labled PDD, he has a lot of the AS characteristics but has a little higher social skills. Another friend of ours has a son who definitely has AS, but he's very well adjusted. He actually spent four years in the Marines and did two tours in Iraq. Both these guy are so literal sometimes it just blows your mind. But David, my bffs son, has one of the wickedest senses of humor I know. Laugh if you want to, but I wish that kid would notice girls and that Amaya could think of him as someone more than the buddy she shares an interest in games with. They'd be a scary team. BTW, both the boys I mentioned are adopted.

You should never have to fight to do the right thing by your child. Just as you should never fight doing the right thing by your child... My cousin (yes, the same damn one) refuses to believe that his daughter (the middle child and the oldest with his wife) has some issues that need looking into. At 22 months old my niece has a bigger vocabulary than she does at 3 years old. Of course, sitting her down in front of the television morning to night might have something to do with it whereas my niece has constant interaction with people. At Christmas I caught my cousin watching me watch his daughter. The first words out of his mouth was 'There's nothing wrong with her.' Mine was 'Yeah, and I'm a monkey's uncle.' We don't speak anymore. And his daughter's in speech therapy and interaction classes... I'm glad you pushed for your son to be diagnosed. How can you do what's right by him if you don't know exactly what you're dealing with? Yes, early diagnosis is by far the best, but knowing what you do now means you can do what you can to help him grow and flourish. He would be in a lot more trouble if you had buried your head in the sand and refused to acknowledge that there was an issue there. As for your son believing that his classmates are all freaks - well, have you seen some of the teenagers of today? OMG....

Yeah, well, he is in a school that is devoted to Autistic Spectrum students, so to some extent, I do understand his statement. My problem is the patience level in explaining to him that just because he does not exhibit the same behaviors of his classmates, the ones that irritate him, does not mean that he could handle a mainstream classroom. He was mainstreamed until he was in eighth grade and we finally convinced the school that mainstream was not the appropriate environment for him, even if it is the least restrictive. Pet Peeve rant: US Individuals with Disabilities Education Act: Everyone is entitled to a Free Appropriate Public Education in the least restritive environment possible. Why do administrators focus on LRE instead of Appropriate. When mainstream is determined to be not appropriate why can we not look at the most appropriate first (assuming that parents agree) instead of going through all the steps to get to the appropriate environment. I firmly believe that if Billy had been put in his current school first instead of RSP or EDD programs he would have been much happier and productive there. I would not be sitting here in Starbucks while he takes the profieciency exam to leave school early and move on to community college. That was another fight and if it were not for our home district's current assisstant superintendent it might have been harder, despite having the school behind me. When we first approached him with the idea he was prepared to agrue against the idea. Every child should have the opportunity to graduate from high school. I do agree with him. But the individual needs of each child must also be considered, especially when on an IEP. Billy is behind in his credits because he is unhappy and therefore unproductive. He's intelligent and knows that at 18 he can drop out and leave with nothing and he's unhappy enough to do that. This way at least he has something. And his father and I are agreed that if he wants a roof over his head, his education will continue, even if it is part time at the community college and he must be working toward a goal -- certificate, AA, transfer. What changed the administrators mind was not only our assurance that this would be a beginning, not an end, but the example that I gave of one of my college professors who attained a PhD having never graduated from high school. She earned her GED as a single mother and worked her way up.

I so agree with you on the IEP thing. The whole appropriate issue has been lost in the effort of districts to get kids into the Least Restrictive Environment. That's why the school I went to is now almost completelly multi-handicapped students. All the others have been mainstreamed, whether it was really in the kid's best interests, or not. My daughter is on an IEP, but, fortunately for her, the LRE and Appropiate one are the same. I'm starting to wonder if in three years I'm going to be sitting in a similar place to where you are right now. She failed English this year, so she's a credit behind already, and has the reputation now as a failure, even though I don't view all of it as her fault. Yes, she blew off some of the stuff she should have done, but the teachers also should have been aware that this was challenged child taking a slightly about-grade-level class in her area of difficulty. She had such great resource help in middle school. I just wish it could have continued into high school.

For most LD's LRE with resource and accomodations mainstream is usually enough. For students with social, emotional, behavioral disabilities (and they are becoming more predominant for some reason) Appropriate needs to become a higher priority because mainstream even resource or main campus ed is not always appropriate and that does not serve the educational needs. If I had the money, I'd be going back right now earning my SE credential and working on an MA in SE primarily the needs of ED students.

Yes, that really is a growing population that needs a totally different approach than traditional special education. Most school districts don't have a clue how to handle them. We are pretty lucky in our district. They have one school, 6-12th grades, that deals specifically with kids who cannot handle the traditional school environment, whether it's problems with violence, emotional issues, discipline, they go to that school and have smaller classes more individual attention and more structure. It seems to be working too. They lose a lot fewer kids to dropping out and they have a little less problems in the mainstream middle and high schools. No, it's not the always the best solution to a problem, but it showing that the district is wanting to see kid succeed.

Our school district used to be one of the best in response to SpEd. We had great resource, an award winning Moderat/Severe program, and a fantastic continuation school, as under one administrator. Then a few years ago the then Ass Sup (who's now the Sup) decided that since he had a SpEd background he should take over for the SpEd Administrator, wanted to put him back into the classroom, mainstream everyone, and closed the continuation school and our brilliant school board (which has since been recalled in its entirety) wondered why the community was so upset by them appointing the man Superintendent.

Yeah, we've got a decent superintendent right now and I hope she stays around at least till my daughter's out of school.

Yeah, and pay attention to what school board members are voting for. Ours got so focused on IB and Ag that everything else got forgotten. What happens to the kids who prefer AP or want a career in something other than Ag? Something other than Ag in the Napa Valley, heresey!