[unrecoverable text]

Ok - this has great potential, but you need to do some technical things first. Look at your tense. At the moment, it's confusing as to who'se POV this is from as it changes without notice. Select one of the characters and talk from their POV. I would choose Joe as you have a small scene there when he wakes up. Next - really go through and do a grammar and spell check. "You're" is the correct version you're looking for in most of the occasions you use it. I like the way that you don't establish fully whether this is a dream, a ghost or even a waking fantasy of Joe's. It does, however, give wonderful foreshadowing towards the fate of Joe at the end of Gatchaman 1. You write dialogue well and you have caught Joe's character nicely here. Two of the things I find really helps me when writing are: 1. Read dialogue aloud. If it sounds contrived aloud, then it is contrived and you need to work on it. 2. I always print my fics out and then do a manual edit as I read. I pick up on more errors there - and can highlight and change them on paper and then put those changes into the document I have saved. Hope that these comments help. Don't be afraid - we're not going to say anything nasty.

I think your story is great! A little spooky, a little sexy, somewhat vague as to what is reality and what is a dream. I like your style.

Littlewolf, this is a great first fic! I like the sexual tension, as well as the implication that this might be real... but we just don't know. You have some great humor in there as well!

This is a very intriguing premise, Littlewolf -one that makes me want to know more about who (or what) this mysterious woman is, and who the "big man" is.

I too wish to know who is, or was, the woman! She must have been a close person to Joe or simply the fruit of his imagination ... but she surely seems to love it when she's summoned by a wilder Condor! I hope I understood well the story ... some parts I had to read more than once, perhaps mostly because of my drawback! I surely wish to read more from you, Littewolf! Your views are most intriguing!

As Maddy said, work on the tenses and who's speaking. You should also make it clearer where the action is taking place. The first fic is obviously in Joe's van (that's what we in the US call them), but where is the second? Also in the van, or elsewhere? At some point, tell us who the lady is. (You can drop hints in the stories, then answer the question in the last one.) BTW, a fic about the questions that Nambu might have to answer is intriguing. It's long been a fan assumption that he raised all five. We know that he raised Ken from the age of 4 or 5, and possibly Joe from around age 8 (based on clues from the show). Ryu has a family, which raises other questions. Jun raised Jinpei, but when did she join the household? A number of people have written fics about the team as children. If you go to gatchfanfic or ff dot net, you'll find a number of them. (Also some for BotP.) I don't know how many entered into those questions. I think most just let it ride. And since we don't know where Utoland City is located, you can write your own rules about adoption and child services. Perhaps use Australia's rules as a starting point. I'm willing to beta any drafts. If you do send something, make sure the subject line of the e-mail identifies you. I don't open unknown mail. If you go to fanfiction.net, TJ and I have stories there under the names we use here. Maddy's are under Madilyn, and my memory is now failing about the others. Some use different names on ff.net, Gatchfanfic, and here (which is rather confusing). (If you aren't as familiar with either Gatch or BotP as you want to be, you should try to watch as many episodes as you can before reading any fics. People have gone in interesting directions with both shows.)

Very intriguing! And I agree with what has been said already...you've got a great grasp on Joe's character! BTW...my stories are over on Gatchafanfic, too, under the same name..."Springie". I only go by one other name on FF.net- "chickeebaybee" (and that is only because I had problems with the "springie" account)

My advice would be the same as what's given. In addition really flush out the plot/narrative between the dialogue. Pure dialogue is really tricky to pull off well. Starting the story with dialogue, too is tricky, but since you've got good dialogue, I think it will work for you. Also, watch formatting. Spaces make it easier to read. The easier it is to read, the more likely the reader will stay with it; harder to read, you could have the greatest story in the world and no readers.

Little wolf I like the concept, and its very good for your first. It looks like you've had some good feedback, things that I picked up too. So I won't overwhelm you by going over it. Its like anything else its an ongoing practice and just keep doing it. Thumbs up!!! I post at the site's as TJ and Springie, and Maddy and UW.

She's called a whisper. I"ve used her many times in stories I've written over the last 15 odd years. Basically she was a Medic/Healer/ Sharman, it changes depending on the stories I write, Her kiind were systematically hunted down and killed because they were beleived to poss a threat. Her death was fairly violent, (among other things they cut her throat and through her out a building and there was torture, after she was betrayed my a friend , yes there are similaries, perhaps that is why Joe intreges her) but she died standing , not on her knees which lead her to what she is now (it makes sence in my head) As for the big guy (is it God or the Devil)? Maybe.. She actually is alined with Death eg Le Mort and the Sythe and as death is technically neural it posses a problem for For the other Big guys? As a dead healer she has a better perception on the fine threat between life and death and understand even if fights for someone to receive the best medical attention that the scale must always be balanced Joe seems to be an exception, someone has plans for him- and technically Joe has died several times and yet still lives - (it a work in progress) As for how they met - Joe heard her - simple as that , very few of the living actually hear or see the dead, and no he wasn't drunk , he'd been out driving no one else but joe sees her, which leads to intersting problems in later stores

Joes not the only Scorpion here for some reason we're a deep bunch I heard once there are two types of Scorpions, the lazy lizards or eagles (either full on or flat out) i like to think it's not death I'm facinated with but the potention of what emerges from the ashes, how it got there, why it happened and what if the potential outcome if I change a few factors, Ido love the "what if?" phrase. For some reason my family and friends just groan! IT doesn't stop me though, I love Questions, finding the answers then discovering that the answers unearth more questions Who wants to live with blinkers on, when around the corners is so much fun

You've got a very intriguing background here, Littlewolf. i love your idea of Joe being a 'work in progress'. I think you need to develop the background a bit more to really flesh out your story. (sorry for the bad pun)

Those of yours are surely deep thoughts, Littlewolf! (I'm always happy to hear of somebody who asks a lot of questions on that kind of subject, and many others, receive answers, and then asks questions regarding those answers! At least I'm not the only one!) You can come out with a vast array of interesting fics if you use those ideas correctly ... there's surely a lot of potential! And I agree with TJ ... I like the idea of Joe being a "work in progress".

Have any off you met men like Joe? i've met two similar (slightly ) men like him both had issues One drove me crazy and I had to get away - it took ages to get him out of my system, well a death of a mutual friend at least to make me sit up and say enough, he was self destructive and chose not to see it, I let him drag me into it somemany times< (As if i wasn't damaging enought to myself, atleast I Stoped thinking i could rescue them , when I didn't know how to rescue myself) the other well he got in my blood and the heart wants what it does, even now 12 years later I dream of him, (found out 3 month ago he lives about an hour from me and has two kids, istead of 9.5hours away when i left, Say it with me It's a small world after all) hes' in my safe place, he had so may secrets, so many addictions, but he was alway mineful and warned me to stay away when they were bad, smart me took that advise, I end up walking away and he let me, (idiot, well maybe he was smarter than me , hindsight we would never have lasted) and we would have ended up hating each other are we any different fron Joe how many off use have had relationships with partners similar to joe?

so many of you have been doing this for much longer than me and I appreciate your feedback, way more than I Can express in words. I understand what you are saying about spelling (an uphill battle) and I understand what you are saying about dialogue and setting the scene I just have to wrap my head and imagination around this new thought Thank you for your willingness to Beta draft for me I am asking for your help, you are all right Joe need developing and any though would be helpful, Who know were it will lead me and What question it will raise Much thanks May the bad guys let lost on their way to your door!!

I can't say I've personally known any men like the COndor, but then, I'm pretty goody-goody IRL. I'm married to a wonderful Eagle, and I'm pretty sure he'll always be that way. I don't know, maybe it's just me.... but I always felt that Condors were the men you 'played' with, and Eagles were the men you 'stayed' with. But I'm up for some contrary evidence, if anyone has some to offer...

I would love to find a man that I could see myself being with for the rest of my life alas I find my self gravitating towards men that I learn hard lessons from (call it karma or just plain obstinant and stubbon) some off these lesson have been painful and some so beautiful that it makes me cry, and all have stayed with me and help me grow, and your right eagles make you soar to greater height than you have ever imagines, while condors force you to go places that make you feel like you would break permanently and rip your heart, maybe in my next life i'll find my eagle , in this life well... I guese iI'm alot stronge than I realise for my condors keep apprearing and I haven't been carted of by the men in white coats congratulation you are one of the lucky ones, you are definetly blessed

Originally posted by Transmute Jun I can't say I've personally known any men like the COndor, but then, I'm pretty goody-goody IRL. I'm married to a wonderful Eagle, and I'm pretty sure he'll always be that way. I don't know, maybe it's just me.... but I always felt that Condors were the men you 'played' with, and Eagles were the men you 'stayed' with. But I'm up for some contrary evidence, if anyone has some to offer...

Genetically, you want the Condor to sire your children, with the Eagle or the Owl to help you raise them.

I'm quite happy with the children my Eagle has sired.

Originally posted by Transmute Jun I don't know, maybe it's just me.... but I always felt that Condors were the men you 'played' with, and Eagles were the men you 'stayed' with. But I'm up for some contrary evidence, if anyone has some to offer...

I've always felt the other way. I see the Condor as once he trust you, he would be protective of you and probably possessive, too. I see the Eagle as the one married to his work and any relationship would take a distant second. The Condor, a bit of a romantic; he even brings flowers to old ladies; the Eagle a bit dense on romance, completely ignorant of the Swallows teasing of the Swan about her crush. That being said, no two people every really watch the same book or movie, IMHO. Everyone reads or watches from their own perspective, we each bring something different to it; therefore we each get something different out of it. This is why "New Criticism" in literary analysis circles doesn't work -- there is more than one way to read something, even if the author comes out and states intent.

Originally posted by Transmute Jun I'm quite happy with the children my Eagle has sired.

I'm certain of that. How are your eaglet and cygnet?

I find it also depends on the readers outlook too when it comes to things they hone in on with a character, or simply the theme of the story requires that characteristic to be hightlighted or even exaggerated a bit. IRL- My DH is more of an Eagle, the Condor type of guy I'm not really attracted too. (My DH is kind inbetween cause he can fix car engines, loves Bathurst, and then rebuilds computers too. Emotionally he can be very much like Ken especially when something requires his focus. I've watched him war online gaming with other guys and he's strategist, then leads the action alot.) Grease kinda guys, nothing wrong with them, just I'm not into hanging out at the race track every weekend.

Originally posted by UnpublishedWriter I'm certain of that. How are your eaglet and cygnet?

A little more into Yatterman at the moment, thanks to Tatsunoko vs. Capcom. James can attest to that, as he was recently subjected to unending cries of 'Yatta! Yatta! Yattaman!' for hours on end.

Originally posted by amethyst I've always felt the other way. I see the Condor as once he trust you, he would be protective of you and probably possessive, too. I see the Eagle as the one married to his work and any relationship would take a distant second. The Condor, a bit of a romantic; he even brings flowers to old ladies; the Eagle a bit dense on romance, completely ignorant of the Swallows teasing of the Swan about her crush.

I think my sentiments are similar. I see the Condor (well, Joe) as something of a closet romantic. He's always seemed to me a lot more gruff and brusque on the outside than he really is, and he's the guy who, yes, brings old ladies flowers, rescues puppies and helps Jinpei rescue baby whales. Regarding romance, I get the impression that with girls like the Devil Star who crashes her car in ep. 31 or Maya in ep.70 (and I still think the flowers in her hospital room are from Joe), or Kathy in Gatch II's ep. 13, that he's looking for more than a one night stand, and if he feels an attraction or kinship with a girl, he acts on it. But, he also has very bad luck in this regard (or more to the point, the girls do -they die!) I think those tendencies are within Ken too, but a lot more repressed as he seems to feel that, as the leader, that he must always be more in control of himself and more focused on the realities of duty than his personal feelings. Seeing Ken feel that he has to hide his deeper feelings about Jun near the end of ep. 40 (part II of the Jigokillers) is, in its way, just as tragic as Joe looking for love with girls who always die.

LB. Although, I can also really see Ken being like his father and putting aside feelings even after he has revealed them for duty, and rationalizing it as such. I think Mark would be even worse.

Originally posted by lborgia88

Originally posted by amethyst I've always felt the other way. I see the Condor as once he trust you, he would be protective of you and probably possessive, too. I see the Eagle as the one married to his work and any relationship would take a distant second. The Condor, a bit of a romantic; he even brings flowers to old ladies; the Eagle a bit dense on romance, completely ignorant of the Swallows teasing of the Swan about her crush.

I think my sentiments are similar. I see the Condor (well, Joe) as something of a closet romantic. He's always seemed to me a lot more gruff and brusque on the outside than he really is, and he's the guy who, yes, brings old ladies flowers, rescues puppies and helps Jinpei rescue baby whales. Regarding romance, I get the impression that with girls like the Devil Star who crashes her car in ep. 31 or Maya in ep.70 (and I still think the flowers in her hospital room are from Joe), or Kathy in Gatch II's ep. 13, that he's looking for more than a one night stand, and if he feels an attraction or kinship with a girl, he acts on it. But, he also has very bad luck in this regard (or more to the point, the girls do -they die!) I think those tendencies are within Ken too, but a lot more repressed as he seems to feel that, as the leader, that he must always be more in control of himself and more focused on the realities of duty than his personal feelings. Seeing Ken feel that he has to hide his deeper feelings about Jun near the end of ep. 40 (part II of the Jigokillers) is, in its way, just as tragic as Joe looking for love with girls who always die.

You've spoken my mind LB! Joe's outer looks deceive him a lot! ... when it comes to business, he's one who gives his whole body and soul! And I've always pictured him as the tragic romantic! Ken's feelings were always restrained ... they did show, every now and then, but to a certain extent, him not allowed to offer more than he had to. Unfortunately we have not had the opportunity to see how his character, or any of the others', evolved sentimentally after the final war was over ... he never had had the chance! We came to know all of them during a war and it's implications ... before and after is another question! I'm always me as much as I know but I don't know how I could behave, or how my character could change, in a similar dire situation ... God save me! There wasn't time for their character to develop the same way as that of normal people ... especially for Ken, him being the commander at such a young age. Moreover, revenge drove both Joe and Ken, growing bigger and denser as time passed, and this feeling is powerful on its own, being able to subdue the rest. Ken's protectiveness also showed many a time, just as much as Joe's, especially in respect of the team ... in fact, I always thought to be able to see a similarity between them, even if this was depicted in diverse ways. Just a last note which might not be so short! ... like I always say and think, IMHO one could not be definitely pictured as having a specific character like the Eagle's, the Condor's, etc ... at least not all of the time. Yes ... every person has a certain type of character that prevails but, during a lifetime formed of various events and circumstances which a human being has to inevitably go through, everyone can sometimes behave in a variety of ways other than his/her nature ... at some point in time, everyone can be mysterious, alluring and hotheaded like the Condor; everyone can be sensitive, strategic and responsible like the Eagle; everyone can be intelligent, courageous, yet delicate, and loyal like the Swan; everyone can act childish, see the world from a different perspective, and make a difference in a situation like the Swallow, even if sometimes underestimated; and everyone can be warmhearted, jovial and patient like the Owl. I believe that, even if just for the shortest of time, such a variety of feelings and reaction thereto surface from behind the real nature of a person to handle things according to the need ... even if the person in question might try to hide them. Human behaviour is unpredictable and, most of the time, surprising. If an aspect does not show clearly in one's behaviour or facade, rest assured that he/she could be feeling the contrary of what he/she's trying to show, dealing with a situation in the best way known! So Joe could surprise everyone being the most devoted and loyal partner, and a one-woman man, instead of the hunk seeking a one night stand like many like to depict him! And Ken could be the most devoted and romantic partner when his mind could focus on his next RL mission instead of the dense person he's known to be!

Originally posted by gatchamarie I'm always me as much as I know but I don't know how I could behave, or how my character could change, in a similar dire situation ... God save me! There wasn't time for their character to develop the same way as that of normal people ... especially for Ken, him being the commander at such a young age.

Very good point! I think I sometimes forget just how young they are, especially in the first series. Jun is 16 at the beginning, and she's living with just Jinpei, running a small business and, above all, defending the world from a global terrorist menace. When I think back to when I was 16... by comparison I was carefree and irresponsible, just going to school and reading lots of books. Clearly Ken's and Joe's lives are similarly atypical for 18 year olds, but nearly all teenagers are still experimenting and trying to figure out just who they are and what sort of people they're going to become, Considering their young ages and the stresses of danger and responsibility they bear, it's really quite something that they hold themselves together at all and manage to function as relatively stably as they do.

That's what I meant, LB! In fact, most people who undergo traumatical episodes in life, or harsh upbringing when still young, tend to have suppressed feelings due to their premature maturity. For those of us who had the fortune to grow up in a normal environment and family, cocooned by the same, we cannot even come close to see the world from those persons' eyes. When I think, even those adverse happenings that took place in my past have left a good print on me ... imagine what it would have been like to live the short life of the members of the SNT or anyone who can be compared to them! We are just watchers!

I like to look upon them as being gifted children, thats why they function as they do as young adults because they're different to start with. (except Jinpei who's still a kid.)

Originally posted by Ebonyswanne I like to look upon them as being gifted children, thats why they function as they do as young adults because they're different to start with.

That is exactly how I think of them as well. Except on the emotional/ social front, there they are not so advanced.

Originally posted by clouddancer

Originally posted by Ebonyswanne I like to look upon them as being gifted children, thats why they function as they do as young adults because they're different to start with.

That is exactly how I think of them as well. Except on the emotional/ social front, there they are not so advanced.

Yes, I think they're all well above average in a lot ways -I think they must all be very bright to do what they do, and that they've probably also endured a lot of rigorous schooling and training. With their young ages and stressful circumstances, though, it makes sense that they might be shakiest in the area of their emotions and social skills. For Ken, not being his absolute best at fighting and leading missions could get him or all of them killed; not being able to openly admit his feelings to Jun... well, that's another matter.

They would also be shaky in emotional and social skills because its likely they haven't had the chance to interact with a lot of other kids their age. They're a close knit group, and they haven't had a chance to broaden their horizons by being amongst a grou of their peers.

Good point. Jun might have a few musician "friends" (the people she's been seen playing with at the J) but they're probably more just casual acquaintances. And then there was Koji. I can't think of any evidence of the others having any friends outside the Team besides when they were kids, like Ken and Sabu or Joe and Alan. (And in the case of Sabu, that seemed like more a case of Ken sticking up for a kid who got picked on than a strong friendship). So, yes, not a lot of opportunities for practice at navigating the tricky business of social interaction like they might have had if they'd attended normal schools (not much evidence they ever did that) and if they didn't have so many secrets to keep about what they're doing and why they suddenly disappear for days at a time. Jun often seems like the emotional center for the Team and the one best at staying in touch with her own emotions and maintaining the inter-Team bonds. Girls usually are more adept at that sort of thing, and the way the Team so often congregates at the Snack J suggests that she's created something that functions as a "home" for them all.

Not to mention the way she act as as a mother to Jinpei, even to the point of providing a separate home for him.

Althought they don't appear to be that great at science!!(A number of times they appear even confused by some of the things DR Nambu says before missions.) I suppose giftings come in different areas...

Originally posted by Ebonyswanne Althought they don't appear to be that great at science!!(A number of times they appear even confused by some of the things DR Nambu says before missions.) I suppose giftings come in different areas...

Very much so! I think at last count there were seven or eight forms of intelligences, that would not only affect the way a person learns but also they way they interact with others.

Use those varying types of intelligence properly, and not only can you develop your characters, you can take care of some of the inevitable 'As you know, Bob' type dialogue. Or Jinpei can say something typical for a ten-year-old, so that someone can correct him....

I always love people who write fics from the POV of a very minor character - it's always interesting to see the team from an outsider's POV. Or even the POV of Katse/Zoltar/Mala. Must admit - it's something I've thought about doing myself, but never had the courage to try.

Or the same event from multiple viewpoints. (Examples: 'The Moonstone' or 'The Woman in White' by Wilkie Collins for the literary use; in movies OF COURSE 'Rashomon'.) Hm: 'Murder Music'/'Space Rock Concert' from the POV of a band member. 'The Successful Berg Katse'/'The Duplicate King' from the imposter's viewpoint. And so on.