These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes . ; ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ____________________________ ______ _________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________________________________ ______ ___ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male. _____ ________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ___________________________! ______________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law

NOSE COLA!! You really have to worry where some attorneys got their degrees - or if they are actually taking notice of what is said in court.

These are just priceless! Thank you for sharing!

Very silly! Just as good as Japanese Earthquake Instructions!

:snort:!! Oh what an awesome way to begin the morning... Loved these... got any more??? SJ

Funny stuff!

Oh, god, Meg, I need the ISBN for that book. Edit: Sorry Meg, at first I saw Springie's name on the board and didn't think that was for the last post not the original.

Those are great. Thank you for posting.

Japanese Earthquake Instructions? For a couple of those, I suddenly thought of Berg Katse's interesting -- talent. Attorney: "How many of your children were boys?" Witness: "None of them." Attorney: "How many were girls?" Witness: "None of them." Attorney (now thoroughly confused): "Huh?" Witness: "My only surviving child is -- AGHK!" (Falls over dead, with dart in neck.) Attorney (realizing the truth): "Your Honor, I withdraw this case." Judge (wanting to live to die of old age): "Motion granted."

That was great and UW, yours too. I think I'd fall over laughing if I was a jurer in a case like that.

Originally posted by UnpublishedWriter Japanese Earthquake Instructions?

Oh, shoot, I can't find it, but a couple of years ago there was an email joke circulating which gave the instructions 'in event of an earthquake' form the back of a Tokyo Hilton hotel room door. Of course, it was translated into English from Japanese, and the translator wasn't very familiar with the English language... well, I'm sure you can guess how it went.

Engrish. It was probably word-for-word translated, and grammatical, but the meaning had not been conveyed.

Originally posted by UnpublishedWriter Engrish. It was probably word-for-word translated, and grammatical, but the meaning had not been conveyed.

Or as I know it, Japlish. Let me have a look through the stuff I've got stored around this place (my puters). Friends have sent me photos and things they've found, but I'm not sure if I've kept them...