As I am trying to find funny pics of the team, I found something that will help an evil world conqueror. The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear lexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." 8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. 20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. 34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. 44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. 47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. 58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. 63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. 69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. 72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. 73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. 96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. 98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

These might give Amy a few evil ideas to torment our birdies with.

Oh, thankee, Met! Ego would have conquered the world by now if he'd had lestened to them! Especially to rule no. 3!

Hmmmm, I thought it would give you some ideas. Cloud considered diving in front of the thread to hide it from you and your evil ways. But then, thought if we had no adversaries, then we can have no Nobel Birdies.

Originally posted by clouddancer Cloud considered diving in front of the thread to hide it from you and your evil ways.

Aww, that would be wasted effort! My evil mind would probably find something else!

You have been looking around !!! You coming up with some great stuff meta...I'm copying this to send to some friends it so funny!!!

LOL, Ebony, are your friends trying to became evil overlords?

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. Can't help but think that the Team's foes already know this rule!! Can't see that it seems to help though!

Now we know how you think, Met! Thanks for the insight!

If they give me a bigger store I may need some advice...LOL

Originally posted by Transmute Jun Now we know how you think, Met! Thanks for the insight!

Actually found it in the Files section on the Yahoo group but did thing of Amy straight away.

Thanks Met.

Originally posted by Metaliant

Originally posted by Transmute Jun Now we know how you think, Met! Thanks for the insight!

Actually found it in the Files section on the Yahoo group but did thing of Amy straight away.

That is completely understandable!

Hmm, are you two members of that group guys?

Originally posted by amyltrer Hmm, are you two members of that group guys?

I am, and so are Springie and Gatchgirl, and Ebony just joined. I'm guessing Met is too.

Have to say that list is perfect for Amy.

ITA... how about you, FB? Oh yeah, James is on it too.

I think James is everywhere. He is the guru after all. All seeing and All knowing.

Originally posted by clouddancer I think James is everywhere. He is the guru after all. All seeing and All knowing.

Ah, so we should call him GOD Phoenix James?

Well, I was thinking God James. But that is even better.

If you are asking if I am a member of the Yahoo BOTP group the answer is yes Joined in something like 2002

See? So EVERYONE cool is on there... except you, Amy! Go, go go!!!

Go on Amy They will love you.

Originally posted by Firebird Go on Amy They will love you.

Just like we do!

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by Firebird Go on Amy They will love you.

Just like we do!

We dont just love Amy we adore her and all of her work!

Originally posted by Firebird

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by Firebird Go on Amy They will love you.

Just like we do!

We dont just love Amy we adore her and all of her work!

I stand... uh, sit... corrected!

lol I am sure Amy knows we are big fans of hers

Originally posted by Transmute Jun See? So EVERYONE cool is on there... except you, Amy! Go, go go!!!

I'm a memeber now! Lurker would be a fitting term....

Thats ok Amy I lurk there and rarely post.

Originally posted by Firebird

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by Firebird Go on Amy They will love you.

Just like we do!

We dont just love Amy we adore her and all of her work!

Awww, girls ...This makes me feel sooo good. I'm glad you like my work. The New Eagle Emabarassing Series!

Originally posted by amyltrer I'm glad you like my work. The New Eagle Emabarassing Series!

Uh oh... what have we gotten ourselves into?

You gal's made the site sound so interesting, I joined too. I will probably be a lurker, just like Amy and FB, but will look for your posts. That is if you have the same call names.

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by amyltrer I'm glad you like my work. The New Eagle Emabarassing Series!

Uh oh... what have we gotten ourselves into?

Who knows? Maybe the Eagle will loose all of his clothes in my next piccies....

Originally posted by clouddancer I will probably be a lurker, just like Amy and FB, but will look for your posts. That is if you have the same call names.

I'll be a lurker too, at least untill I find some intersting Gatch F material! And yes, I use to log in all the places with the same username!

Originally posted by clouddancer You gal's made the site sound so interesting, I joined too. I will probably be a lurker, just like Amy and FB, but will look for your posts. That is if you have the same call names.

I am Transmute Jun everywhere. Except here, where I will always have the honorary title of TranSMUT Jun.

And I notice you have the title Forum God so I guess we can not argue. At least we could try but you would over rule us.

Originally posted by clouddancer And I notice you have the title Forum God so I guess we can not argue. At least we could try but you would over rule us.

Ah, but even as a Forum God I have superiors... Cep, in his infinite Gatch Wisdom, rules over us all!

Well, everyone needs to have someone watch over them.

Originally posted by clouddancer Well, everyone needs to have someone watch over them.

You mean, like Zark watches over those five incredible young people? Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Now I'm thinking of that horrifying fic, Someone to Watch Over Me.

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by clouddancer Well, everyone needs to have someone watch over them.

You mean, like Zark watches over those five incredible young people? Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Now I'm thinking of that horrifying fic, Someone to Watch Over Me.

Will he do this While You Are Sleeping?

Originally posted by amyltrer

Originally posted by Transmute Jun You mean, like Zark watches over those five incredible young people? Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Now I'm thinking of that horrifying fic, Someone to Watch Over Me.

Will he do this While You Are Sleeping?

Oh no! Not you too Amy. TJ, we dragged her into our quoting game. Only if you are Home Alone.

Originally posted by amyltrer

Originally posted by Transmute Jun

Originally posted by clouddancer Well, everyone needs to have someone watch over them.

You mean, like Zark watches over those five incredible young people? Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Now I'm thinking of that horrifying fic, Someone to Watch Over Me.

Will he do this While You Are Sleeping?

While You Were Sleeping is a story I wrote last December (right before New Year's actually) that has been completed for many months. It has to do with Mark, Jason and Princess being in comas. There's only the briefest mention of Zark, and its in a way that makes fun of him. http://gatchfanfic.com/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=36 The fic I am referring to is not mine. And it is very disturbing: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/240809/1/Watching_Over_You_&_Lost_Visual_Contact I got the title slightly wrong, but you'll see what I mean if/when you read this. One thing that scared me a bit... on the BOTP List someone said that my Place on the Team Fic reminded them of this Watching Over You one. Yikes!!!!!!

Originally posted by clouddancer TJ, we dragged her into our quoting game. Only if you are Home Alone.

All right... I've obviously missed something. I just woke up and started checking the boards. I guess then my previous post isn't right...

It was probably me who got it wrong TJ.

Originally posted by clouddancer It was probably me who got it wrong TJ.

I don't know... you've managed to stump me... I've been througheverything (I think) and I can't see this game you and Amy are playing...

They look like movie titles to me could be wrong. Tj you started it unknowingly and then Amy gave another one lol I thought something was familiar about the titles but i was tired this morning and coudl not think what.

Now I see what happened. TJ was thinking Fics, probably Amy too. I got my signals crossed, something I am very good at doing, and confused everyone. *Cloud is going to go back and hide *

aww CD dont hide

Don't hide, CD! Will I have to lure you out with more fics? Let's see, what can I do? ***** "Come over here..." he drawled invitingly. "I won't bite... hard..." She smiled at his witticism, and slowly walked over to sit down beside him. "You know, Condor..." she whispered in his ear, "my father warned me about men like you." "Oh, he did, did he?" Jason smirked. "Well, actually..." Princess grinned, "he only warned me about you..." "There's nothing to worry about, Baby." he promised. "You're in expert hands." "That's partly what has me worried." Princess pointed out. "Don't I make you horny?" Jason asked her directly. "Damn it, yes!" she smiled. "I just... have to wonder what will happen in the morning." "In the morning, we're going to find Dr. Zoltar's secret base, and save the World, Baby." Jason replied softly. "And if I die tomorrow, I want my last memories to be of this night... with you." To his surprise, Jason found that he was telling the truth. As a sexy swinger, he had used that line many times before, but never with any sincerity. Until now. Looking into an incredible pair of trusting emerald eyes, he knew that he meant every word. "I want to be with you, Princess." he whispered, bending his head down so that his lips could trace the graceful line of her neck as it merged into her shoulder. "Only you..." Princess tipped his chin up to look at her again, her eyes scanning his face, searching for some hidden meaning. After a long moment she spoke. "I believe you, Jason." she said quietly. Then she placed her palm on his cheek, and their mouths met in a fiery kiss.

Well TJ that should have some affect But isn't CD an owl fan? Would a naked owl pic lure her out do you think?

Perhaps... but I don't have any Owl smut... I just pulled that from one of my older fics

will post the pic in the rubber room.

*Cloud peeks around the corner to see what has happened* "Well it seems like I may be missed if I disappear." Cloud mutters. Then after reading through the smut she looks in TJ's direction, "For me? Awww, you are so nice. And FB is promising me a naked owl pic? Oh, I guess I really will have to stick around." *Cloud heads over to the rubber room waiting for a pic from FB to arrive."*

Ooh! The smut worked!!!! Yay! Welcome back, CD!

Never really gone, you know. Just had to get back to RL for a few hours. Contractors will be starting in my house tomorrow. Had to pack up a few things I had got out over the last few weeks. Finally my basement will start to get back to normal. Then I can clear out the bedrooms of all the boxes and maybe find some of the items I have lost in the rush of packing up. Well in a few weeks hopefully. That is how long THEY say. I expect a month. Especially if they will only be working from 9:00 - 3:30. Must be nice to have contractor hours. (My problem is those are the hours I am out of the house teaching.)

Look at it this way: at least you won't be in the house while they are working and being noisy and messy! I hope it goes by fast, CD!

I agree with that. But I would like to watch to make sure everything is being done up to code. I will be happy not to be around while they are sanding the drywall. All that dust will be terrible for my allergies.

ITA. We had new carpet put in about 18 months ago, and the entire place was covered in dust... I had never realized how bad getting new carpet was! I was miserable for a week...

I hope it is done on time CD and that it is just the way you want it to be. good luck!